


wash your fuckin hands

by akgerhardt



Series: SFW [27]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, cautionary crack, dirkapitation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:35:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23763937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt/pseuds/akgerhardt
Summary: jake gets covid-19
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider
Series: SFW [27]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1277960
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	wash your fuckin hands

"Dirk, this strikes me as... a tad risky."

"I live life on the edge. Plus, the whole six feet apart thing is bullshit. It's a hoax made up by the mainstream media to cuck us into becoming so touch-starved that we start watching bad romcoms. I know because I am. I've also done my research- Hallmark's been on the chopping block for just a little too long. They _needed_ an excuse to isolate everyone." 

...

"Well, when you put it that way I feel downright boonswoggled! Let's get this mustang off to the racetrack, bro!"

"Hell fucking yes." 

They spent four hours roaming the most crowded civilized areas, touching every surface in view, and breathing other people's air just to feel alive. 

_[Approximately Two Weeks Later]_

"You an' your fuckin' conspiracies... Now Jake has the coronas and prob infected like a gazillion other people!"

"I know, Rox," he sobbed into his hands. "This is all my fault."

"Yeah, yeah it is! His too for bein' a- Hey! Don't even think about-"

He entered Jake's room somberly and kissed him awake before sitting down beside him.

"Jake, I am so fucking sorry."

...

"Wh- [wheeze] You're too close; you'll get sick..."

Dirk took his hand, holding his feverish gaze. 

"I wanna suckle your dong in repentance." 

"It's alright, really..."

"Please."

"Ok."

So he did, but Jake passed out because he couldn't fucking breathe, and then Dirk just laid there beside him with an inner monologue of self-hatred longer than all of the Star Wars intros combined, scrolling across his subconscious. 

Jake recovered over time, but then Dirk proceeded to reinfect him unwittingly. Panic seized Dirk once the results were confirmed, and he immediately decapitated himself in fear of further spreading it. Seeing as the act was unwise but neither Heroic nor Just, he revived, cured, and never took a pandemic lightly again. 

Meanwhile, Jane had been traveling without cell reception as she healed the masses, only to return and find Jake really goddamn sick, flanked by Dirk and Roxy in void-made hazmat suits. A zap later he was fine and vocalized his surprise with a booming cornball phrase.

"How did he get it _twice?"_ she implored, exasperated. 

"Because we're idiotic imbeciles," Jake replied, not missing a beat. Dirk nodded in agreement.

**Author's Note:**

> if you're sick, unable to afford necessities, stuck cohabiting with shitty people, working retail, or grieving my heart goes out to you. this is a crazy fucking time; please do what you can to keep yourself and others safe, and be kind.


End file.
